Help! My Ex Got Another Woman Pregnant During Our Marriage. Now She Has the Gall to Expect Something From Me. (2024)

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column.Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My ex and I have two high school kids together. I now know he was unfaithful throughout our marriage. He divorced me when he got his now-wife pregnant. They have three kids together. Because she stays at home, most of our scheduling conversations end up going through her. I’ve tried talking to him, I’ve tried written communication but the only thing that seems to stick is a phone call or physical conversation with her. I send a recap to their shared email to cover all my bases. It’s exhausting but the only thing that seems to work. He got another woman pregnant. Maybe they’ll work it out, maybe they won’t.

But every conversation with his wife now starts with complaints and sometimes sobbing about how hard it is. I have zero sympathy for her. She seems to think we can bond about him, mostly because I was always neutral to her. I only did that because I knew that being nasty would just be embarrassing and unhelpful and maybe hurt my kids. I do not like her. I believe she shouldn’t be surprised by him. I’m mostly just grateful my kids are almost grown and we won’t have to split child support a million ways as he continues to be selfish and careless. But her behavior is driving me up the wall and I’m worried I’m going to snap and tell her what I really think. How do I stay cool about this? I should be happy that karma is coming for her but mostly I’m just annoyed that she’s complaining about being on the other side of the coin.

—Annoyed

Dear Annoyed,

You can remind her that you’re the wrong person to vent to about this without lashing out, being nasty, insulting her, or doing anything else to sabotage your coparenting relationship. Try this, the next time she comes to you crying: “I completely understand. I’ve been there. When I learned that he got you pregnant, I was devastated and didn’t know how I’d go on.” And then just let the (hopefully awkward, if she’s aware enough to recognize that) silence speak for itself.

Give Prudie a Hand in “We’re Prudence”

Sometimes even Prudence needs a little help. This week’s tricky situation is below.Submit your comments about how to approach the situation hereto Jenée, and then look back for the final answerhereon Friday.

Dear Prudence,

My retired mother and I are currently in an adorable dilemma: Her cats like me more than they do her! Now that she’s retired, my mom feels a bit lonely and she decided to adopt a cat to keep her company during the day. However, ever since I switched to working from home, this cat has decided that I am her favorite chair. I thought this problem could be fixed if we simply got my mom another cat, but the second kitten ended up being bonded to the first cat and now they both hang out on my lap! My mom handles food (and all of the cats’ favorite activities like playtime) while I am only on litter duty, and they still prefer me over her! She’s a rather loud person, so that is likely why they prefer me over her. I know the best solution is to simply get a dog, but she has a bad hip and due to my chronic illness, I wouldn’t be able to walk the dog or help it burn its energy. My mom is a little sad her cats clearly prefer me instead (the first cat will tolerate her presence but she makes it clear she likes me more, while the second kitten spends all of her time in my room). Any advice on how to either get the cats to like her more or another hobby to occupy her with? These cats feel more like my cats now and I feel bad about it.

—Cat Napper

Dear Prudence,

My mother and I have had a complicated relationship since I turned 14, her treatment of myself and others is erratic and unkind. Among her kicking me out at age 15, calling me abhorrent names, blackmailing me, and harassing those closest to me, I am at my wits end. I am now 22 and I have learnt that I cannot trust her. I discovered that she was cheating on her husband last October and sat on the knowledge. Her erratic behavior flared up again and she called me horrible names, implying those closest to me thought I was an awful person—I cut her off. She showed up at my door last week demanding we sort things out and claiming she’d acted that way due to her depression/BPD. This is a regular occurrence and never accompanies a genuine apology. I don’t want to sort things out and I am angry, it is a cycle I no longer want to be trapped in. I want to email her and tell her I know about her affair and ask her to no longer contact me. Is this too much?

—Drowning In Dysfunction

Dear Drowning,

You have the right idea when it comes to wanting to limit contact with your mom, but I’ll suggest a few tweaks to your plan. First, it’s never a good idea to contact someone simply to say, “Don’t contact me.” That sends a mixed message. Wait until your mom reaches out again, answer the phone or the door, and at that point tell her, “You’ve mistreated me for years and have never offered a genuine apology. I’m angry and I don’t want to sort things out with you. I will reach out when, and if, I’m ready to talk but until then, please leave me alone.”

Second, as you probably noticed, I didn’t mention the affair in that script. That’s because it really has nothing to do with your relationship. You don’t need that extra piece of evidence to support your case. The fact that your mom has said horrible things to you and called you names is enough. To bring up her infidelity would just dilute and confuse the most important message she needs to hear, which is that she can’t continue to treat you the way she has and expect to have a relationship. Maybe her husband will eventually tell her the same thing, but that’s between them.

How to Get Advice

Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) And for questions on parenting, kids, or family life, tryCare and Feeding!

Dear Prudence,

Do you have any general tips on what can even be done to help someone out… if it’s essentially not your business? I work with a guy a few years younger than me who’s in his early 20s. We are friends-ish but only due to working together a lot. He got his position because one of his parents is a part owner, lazed his way through the more entry level positions for a while, but somehow ended up becoming second in command at our store location. (It’s the kind of job where this doesn’t affect my life or ability to make money that much, and I’m sincerely not looking for a promotion, but a few of us often need to step in with things because we have more experience.) On top of that, he still lives at home with his parents, doesn’t seem interested in moving up in our field, and doesn’t even seem to like the work. On top of THAT, despite being obviously funny and smart, he is sure there’s nothing out there for him at all (ESPECIALLY romantically). If he didn’t have this job I’m not sure he’d do much of anything.

I can’t snap my fingers and make him half the boss. I’m sometimes very angry he doesn’t care about being better, and I’m certainly not finding him a girlfriend in my leisure time, but what do you… do? Is this just a drop it, throw out the same platitudes you always do when the self deprecation comes out, then leave it alone kind of thing? There’s only so much concerned discussions with co-workers that we can’t help having and I’ve reached the point of needing to see my way out of them because it feels unproductive and mean. But we care about the kid! Do we let this take its course?

—Ever Present Nunya

Dear Ever Present,

Let it take its course. Your concern for his well-being is way too muddled up with resentment about his retail nepo baby status and lazines. Any attempt to have a tough love talk with him, or hook him up with a date, would be complicated by the fact that this is all happening in a workplace. Keep going with the platitudes (“We’ve all been there,” “That’s not true!” “You’re young and have plenty of time to meet someone,” “There’s a lid for every pot,”), keep as busy as possible with your actual job, and try to stay out of those concerned discussions with co-workers. You don’t want him to overhear and add, “Everyone was talking about how sad my life is” to his list of complaints.

Dear Prudence,

My best friend is a male and, well I’m a female. Yes, we do have a history of an intimate relationship but when we discovered that we were more compatible as friends, we decided a platonic relationship was the best thing for us. We have continued this friendship for about a year now, despite the two-hour traveling distance between us. We have become very close and now I even consider him my family. Recently, he has begun an intimate relationship with another woman, which he appears to be very happy with. I understand that many find our relationship to be unusual and so I didn’t think it odd that she felt uncomfortable by his relationship with me. However, I have begun to feel less involved in his life.

His other friends, male, included me in their lives and activities together since he and I became close friends. A few of these activities are practicing inline hockey at the local rink or attending their beer league hockey games. I enjoy attending these activities and would do so often, until recently, when he began this intimate relationship. He has requested that I don’t attend these games or practices when she does, due to him feeling “uncomfortable” by the fact that both myself and this woman have slept with him (even though he and I have not been intimate for almost a year). When I have expressed to him that this decision makes me feel that our friendship is hidden, our conversation often turns into an argument. I have begun to feel excluded from these activities and have a fear of losing a friendship that is very important to me. However, despite how many times I have tried to express to him how I feel, he doesn’t seem to understand.

How do I navigate this situation, Prudence? Many people have stated that our friendship won’t last, but I refuse to believe that. We are very close and I don’t want to accept losing someone that is close to me. Do you think these people are right? If this is the end of my friendship with him, how do I cope with that?

—Forgotten Female Friend

Dear Forgotten,

If there were something similar to small claims court where you could file a case against a person who wasn’t living up to your expectations and ask a judge to command them to honor your close relationship and make you feel important, I’d send you there and I think you’d win. But sadly, unfair as it feels—really, as unfair as it is—you cannot force someone to be a good friend to you. This guy is pulling away, and while it’s for a reason that doesn’t make sense to you, it does make sense to him. He’s chosen his girlfriend’s comfort over your relationship and, well, he gets to do that!

You have to accept his decisions and what it says about how much he values you. Really give that some thought because it’s going to determine whether you become best buds again when the two of them break up and he suddenly wants to pick up where you left off.

Dear Prudence,

While we’ve had a marvelous relationship in the past, my mother-in-law has recently done some things that I cannot look past. While home for Christmas, our young beloved dog fell ill and we did everything to save her at the emergency vet but had to put her down. My husband’s parents showed up at the vet uninvited, forcing their way into this intimate painful family moment. I know they were just trying to support us, but they could care less about dogs and we were not able to openly grieve with them there.

Now my mother-in-law suddenly planned a visit to our town, staying at an Airbnb on our street with her sisters even though this is the busiest week of the year for my work and I will be unavailable to spend time with them, though I’m sure it will be expected of me. With the stress of the work week and the unresolved hurt from Christmas, I don’t think I can even look at her while she’s here. My husband agrees these are disrespectful and inconsiderate intrusions in our lives, but he has not confronted her yet. How can I get my old relationship back with my MIL and still establish boundaries?

—Give Me Back My Old MIL

Dear Give Me Back My Old MIL,

The word “expected” is doing a lot of work here. Your mother-in-law can “expect” whatever she wants, but if she plans a trip during your busiest week of the year and you aren’t available to spend time with her, she’ll just have to leave disappointed. The way you establish a boundary is by knowing that she’s upset and still doing what you need to do—staying at the office late or whatever it may be—anyway. Maybe she’ll learn a lesson and consult you before the next visit. Maybe not. Either way, you won’t have to spend any time with her. Keep in mind, you expected that no one would barge in on your intense veterinarian appointment, but she did what she wanted to do anyway. Take a lesson from her.

Normally, I would tell you to deploy your husband to communicate to his mother that she needs to ask before showing up. But since you say the two of you had a close relationship in the past, and you were the one who has been upset by her recent choices, I think you can take the lead on that conversation.

Try something like this: “I hate that I won’t be available when you and your sisters are here because it’s my busiest week at work. I really wish we could have planned for a different time because I’d love to spend time with you. Also, while I have you, I wanted to talk to you about something that’s kind of related: I have been holding onto feeling upset about the way you showed up unexpectedly at the vet’s office during Muffin’s final moments over Christmas. I know you did it as a show of love and support but it caught me off guard and left me feeling unsettled. Thinking about that, and the miscommunication around the timing of your next visit, I realized one thing that would really help me is more communication from you. In the future, could you check in with me in advance to make sure we’re on the same page about when it’s a good time for both of us before you make plans to visit? It would go a long way for me because I don’t do well with surprises, and I really do want us to make sure we have quality time together and stay as close as we always have been. Just a quick text or call to check on scheduling would help. What do you think?”

Classic Prudie

My friend “David” won’t stop critiquing my interior decorating choices, and it is driving me crazy.We’ve been friends for over 10 years. Generally he is a good friend, although he can be quite selfish and “always in the right.” I am about to buy my first apartment, and I’m extremely excited about decorating and furnishing it. I’d say I have good taste and like a midcentury modern style.